So, this is the most peaceful part of my day..
I just opened the store and am alone for a full hour before someone else comes in. I turn pandora on Fray Radio, pull up a stool, and scroll through tumblr. No messy apartment, no puppy craving attention, no crazyness. Just me in the store. It gives me some time to think about things uninterrupted. I am thinking about how much longer its going to take for me to break down. I am obviously not okay, this is not okay. I am thinking about how I lost one of my best friends because he didn’t understand. I wish you would have seen what my heart was going through, then maybe you wouldn’t have pushed me so far away. I am thinking about the unfamiliar refuge I found in someone else. Never did I think you and I would be anything other than a text and gentle smile here and there, but that is changing. It’s nice, because I can talk to you and know that there are no motives behind your words. You don’t want to be with me. Its refreshing to have an unbiased point of view.
I don’t know. I really miss how life was just a month ago. Things hurt, but not this bad. I wasn’t by myself. 2012 was supposed to be my year, but it has started off pretty rotten so far. I want my heart back. I want fluffy lumps. I want panda kisses. I want to be able to smile without quickly stifling it. I just don’t know.
The rest of my life has improved significantly since the worst day of my life.. The only things still bothering me are school and my love life. Surely, I need to take some time to figure these out. I just don’t know what to do. So, I am going to stay at work all day, forget about everything in the hustle and just hope when I get home, something, anything is different.
